I’m Actually Blogging About America’s Got Talent
I can’t believe it’s come to this. I can’t believe I’ve sunk to this level.
I’m blogging about America’s Got Talent.
I’m an intelligent guy. I run a business. I have a cool dog. I’ve got things going for me.
And I’m writing about the semi-finals on America’s Got Talent.
Don’t say a word. If you don’t watch the show, you don’t know.
You don’t know it’s intoxicating power. You don’t know how it’s more like crack cocaine than anything else. You don’t know how much I want to have sex while watching the show.
Uhm, excuse me.
So, yes, here we go. I’m going to share my “thoughts” (as they are) with you about the 10 semi-finalists from the America’s Got Talent competition on September 1st, 2009.
Oh, Jesus, forgive me. I hope you’ll let me in heaven when that time comes.
1. Acroduck
I’m going to do everything in my power to avoid making a stupid slam dunk joke. These guys are awesome. The fire may have been expected, but it was a great touch. Still, no missed baskets. Simply amazing. This could be a fantastic traveling show.
2. The Texas Tenors.
Wow. It’s shocking just how slick and corny these guys are. It’s just as shocking how enjoyable they are to watch. I can’t believe I’ve liked – a lot – every one of their performances. I can’t believe how if this were the ‘80s there would be :60 second commercials on TV selling their albums to thousands of people. These guys are so marketable. And the Hoff is right, you can see these guys faces on an electronic sign on the Las Vegas Strip. Although within five years they’d be at the Golden Nugget on the old Las Vegas Strip..
3. Paradizo Dance
Piers was right, as much as I hate to agree with him after tonight’s episode. But he was right – the kid thing didn’t work. It was a nice performance, but no where near as amazing as when the chick picked up the heavy dude (and hey, heavy dude, good on ya for putting down the twinkies and picking up the weights. The world can see you’ve been working hard. Shame about the curling iron.). It’s that sickening love they have for each other that gives the act its extra oomph and that oomph wasn’t there tonight. Sorry guys, you’re out.
4. Drew Thomas Magic
OK, look, his second performance was his best. We know this guy has talent. This piece here was fun, but it’s the kind of piece you do as filler in a 70-minute magic act. It plays a role. Did we need to see it? I dunno. Maybe. We know this guy has style and talent and he should be in Vegas and I don’t think he needs this show anymore, to be honest. It’s not that he’s better than anyone else on the show, it’s just he’s proven himself and doesn’t need the boost of this show anymore.
But Piers, dude. You made his daughter cry in front of him on national TV. Dude, I know that wasn’t your intention, but dude. I mean, dude. Woah. You’re kind of a dick. I mean, I’d have a scotch with you if you really wanted, that is if I could tear you away from Grandma Lee for five minutes. We know you’re hot for that girl. Now stop making little girls cry. Dick.
5. Tony Hoard & Rory
This is the one act that pretty much everyone except Sharon “I’m weak in the kees for doggies” Osborne questioned getting through to the semi-finals. Yeah, we saw some potential with this pair, but their second performance wasn’t great. They should not have made it through.
But they did and they did a fantastic job. Great new stunts. Excellent throwing. Rory was just fantastic. You’re not going to Vegas as a semi-permanent installation, though. That said, I think you’re going to be traveling towns doing half-time shows at basketball arenas quickly. And that’s a good thing. You’re going to have a blast and you’re going to – hopefully – make some good money. Or maybe you can be part of a larger show. Regardless, don’t worry about your douche bag boss who wouldn’t give you time off for your appearance on AGT. You quit, you went with your heart, good on ya. You’ve got a gig starting tomorrow, you know that.
6. The Voices of Glory
Wow. The guys can get better, but that 8-year-old girl is simply phenomenal. Piers is right, she’s carrying her brothers. But I don’t think she could do this without her brothers. Not quite yet. They take a little of the pressure off.
This group makes me sick, though. Just sick. Could they be any more perfect? I can’t take it. I wasn’t that good a soul at their age. I’m not that good at my age. Or your age. Not even if they were dog years would I be that sickeningly good. Compared to them, I’m a very, very bad man.
7. The Fab Five
OK, look, I need to ask you all a very, very honest question. How many of you want to have sex with all five sisters? Not at the same time, that’s disgusting. Show of hands.
I knew it. You’re all perverts.
YEAHHHHHHHHHH!
What a fun act to watch and they’ve got this sickening all American story that really works. But could they all leave their families or move their families to Vegas? I guess you cross that road if you have to.
Their second performance was their best. Fire makes things good and the little sparks at the end of tonight’s act weren’t enough. This was plenty fun, though. Great act.
8. Grandma Lee
Dammit, this lady is fucking amazing. Just damned inspirational. She’s damned funny. She’s got good timing. She’s got an amazing story. Give this lady an HBO special now.
I have only one concern for her, though. When she does go off to play a night club, I don’t want to hear too many Hoff or Piers jokes. Pay respect to the past and mention how thankful you are for AGT, but forget those dudes. You can do better than them anyway.
9. Arcadian Broad
Oh, man, Piers almost made this guy cry. But it’s just not time for you yet, Arcadian. You’re Billy Elliot light. You can get there, but you need to take what you’ve learned from this experience, build that confidence from here and come back strong. So, the producers told you to do an act you weren’t hip to. I get it, but the act really was OK. Maybe a bit too High School Musical, but I’m not the target audience.
Dude, you’re going to be touring with some major Ballet Theatre at some point. Don’t worry about it. You’re cool. Kick the nuts of anyone who picks on you in school.
10. Kevin Skinner
Dammit, dude. Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? Stop almost making me cry, you son of a bitch. Unless your voice just fails you in the last round miserably, you have this contest totally wrapped up. I might even buy your album.
Allright, so here we are. Four get to go to the finals. Let’s get the obvious choices out of the way first: Kevin Skinner and Acrodunk. Start planning your next acts now.
Grandma Lee is my next choice. She deserves to go to the finals. Hell, the finals deserve her. This lady has juevos.
So that leaves me with only one more act. Only four acts advance to the finals and now the choice gets pretty hard.
Paradizo Dance? We’re done. Arcadian? You know the score. Tony Hoard and Rory? You’re fun, but you know the drill.
That leaves four to choose from.
Drew Thomas Magic? Look, man, you’re gonna do fine. And keep your daughter in your act. She’s gonna write a book about you one day.
Three more.
The Fab Five? Look, I need you out of this contest so we can spend more quality time together. Come over. We’ll wholesome and very naughty sex.
That leaves us with the sickening Texas Tenors and Voices of Glory. You both make me ill, in an oddly good way. That little girl is going places. That blond dude is wanted by most of the women watching the show.
Damn, this is tough.
Fuck it, I’m going with the schlock – it’s gotta be the Texas Tenors.
Now I’m off to put my head in the gas oven. It’s the only choice, at this point.
Oh, wait. What’s that? Five can go on? Oh, hrmm. That’s interesting.
Welcome to the finals, Voices of Glory.
Now I’m off to put my head in the gas oven.
