JonahWeiland.com

Local news in Los Angeles sucks. Wait, that’s not entirely fair. Local news pretty much anywhere in the United States sucks. That’s nothing new, but it’s why I never watch the local news. Yes, bad things happen in our fair city, but I really don’t need to watch details of random murders, assaults or drive by shootings on a regular basis, especially when they don’t really reflect the true nature of my city.

That said, when it rains in Los Angeles, I always watch the local news. It becomes wildly entertaining as each channel begins their Storm Watch Team Coverage and get absolutely hysterical about the rains.

Now, don’t misunderstand, I realize the rains can have serious consequences for the areas ravaged by fire months ago, but then why are they doing live shots from Old Town Pasadena or Hollywood, where there were no fires? Because there’s people there you can interview and have say stupid things during your cast.

Channel 7, the local ABC affiliate, has some of the funniest names for their coverage. While everyone else goes with “Storm Watch,” they choose to go with “Storm Track 2008 Team Coverage.” Storm track. What the fuck is that? Then of course there’s the weather guy who has at his disposal Live Mega Doppler 7000 HD radar to track the coming Armageddon. Live. Mega. Doppler. 7000. HD. Mega? 7000? Jesus.

But the funniest had to be the other night when Channel 11, the local Fox affiliate, went with a live shot not far from my home. There’s an intersection in the NoHo Arts District that sees three different roads converge. I don’t scare easy, but that intersection is what Satan would look like were he an intersection. I’ve seen way too numerous close calls or accidents in that crazy ass intersection.

At any rate, there’s Channel 11, doing their live shot, reporting on the “flooded” intersection (I went to check it out shortly thereafter and it really wasn’t that flooded). He filed his report, filled with ridiculous anecdotes by people affected by the rain (i.e. people who just happened to be walking by) and other stupidity, warning people to just stay in because the conditions are so “bad” outside and then finished his report by saying, “Stay safe. Stay alive.”

Stay safe. Stay alive.

What the fuck? It’s not like we’re anticipating a zombie invasion from Riverside, are we? If we go outside and get rained on, what’s going to happen? Will we get moist? Or is it actually a sign of the coming rapture?

So, yeah, watch the local news during Storm Watch 2008. It’s the awesome.