Need The Cool
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| “Hello, Hanna. Tell me, how is it you are so hot? Why do you bring so much pain to my central nervous system with your hotness? It in unnatural. Do you like the Dineyland? Do you like rides? I will show you a ride – in my bedroom. It is a good ride. |
Ok, I’m about to make two embarrassing admissions. Prepare yourself.
So, I watched the movie “Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo,” the 2005 sequel to the 1999 film “Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo.” Now, the first movie was mildly funny, keeping in mind while I watched it I was very drunk, sniffing glue, doing whipits, chasing the dragon and holding a plastic bag over my head and inhaling deeply. Under those circumstances, there are some very funny bits in that film, especially the woman with turrets when she screams “ball sweat.” Yes, I admit, I chuckled throughout that film.
I figured that if I enjoyed the first one, I’m likely to enjoy the second movie. Even on all the above substances, plus the addition of an entire box of Pop-Tarts, “Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo” didn’t much bring the funny. They forgot it back in the States it appears. But, really, I expected that. I think I laughed twice and enjoyed the immensely hot, so hot she hurt my spine Hanna Verboom (I wonder how many BOOM! jokes she’s heard in her life? I’d like to boom her … wait, I won’t do it. OK, I want to boom her … dammit, I just can’t do it.). Oh my gawd, I love her as only an American can – with a temporary restraining order.
As the credits rolled a song began to play. “I Said Never Again (But Here We Are)” by Brit pop star Rachel Stevens. Now, I’ve never heard of this chick before and know nothing about her, but based on what I read on her Web site I’m thinking she’s not taken seriously much. Maybe I’m completely wrong – and I hope I am because I have a weird obsession with that song right now – but I get the feeling enjoying her music is embarrassing for most of her fans. I really hate when I hear what is obviously crap music and am moved to shake my ass in inappropriate ways.
The amount of cool I have in me is about 2 cups full, at best. When I admit to watching a movie like “Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo” and then follow that up by admitting I enjoy this hideous song, well, I’m down to a ¼ cup full and need to find some way to replenish that cool cup in short order.
Any suggestions? I’m asking for your help.
