The Occasional Blog of Jonah Weiland

“Hello, Hanna. Tell me, how is it you are so hot? Why do you bring so much pain to my central nervous system with your hotness? It in unnatural. Do you like the Dineyland? Do you like rides? I will show you a ride – in my bedroom. It is a good ride.

Ok, I’m about to make two embarrassing admissions. Prepare yourself.

So, I watched the movie “Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo,” the 2005 sequel to the 1999 film “Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo.” Now, the first movie was mildly funny, keeping in mind while I watched it I was very drunk, sniffing glue, doing whipits, chasing the dragon and holding a plastic bag over my head and inhaling deeply. Under those circumstances, there are some very funny bits in that film, especially the woman with turrets when she screams “ball sweat.” Yes, I admit, I chuckled throughout that film.

I figured that if I enjoyed the first one, I’m likely to enjoy the second movie. Even on all the above substances, plus the addition of an entire box of Pop-Tarts, “Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo” didn’t much bring the funny. They forgot it back in the States it appears. But, really, I expected that. I think I laughed twice and enjoyed the immensely hot, so hot she hurt my spine Hanna Verboom (I wonder how many BOOM! jokes she’s heard in her life? I’d like to boom her … wait, I won’t do it. OK, I want to boom her … dammit, I just can’t do it.). Oh my gawd, I love her as only an American can – with a temporary restraining order.

As the credits rolled a song began to play. “I Said Never Again (But Here We Are)” by Brit pop star Rachel Stevens. Now, I’ve never heard of this chick before and know nothing about her, but based on what I read on her Web site I’m thinking she’s not taken seriously much. Maybe I’m completely wrong – and I hope I am because I have a weird obsession with that song right now – but I get the feeling enjoying her music is embarrassing for most of her fans. I really hate when I hear what is obviously crap music and am moved to shake my ass in inappropriate ways.

The amount of cool I have in me is about 2 cups full, at best. When I admit to watching a movie like “Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo” and then follow that up by admitting I enjoy this hideous song, well, I’m down to a ¼ cup full and need to find some way to replenish that cool cup in short order.

Any suggestions? I’m asking for your help.

Wow, it’s been a while since I’ve had a free moment to write anything for this here site. That’s a shame, more for you than me. See, you’re missing out on my wit and incredible insight into the abnormalities of the world and, frankly, I don’t know how you survive without it.

Speaking of the abnormalities of the world, I’ve found a new trend to be terribly disturbing. Why is it men today all want to look like robot cowboys? Take note.

Let’s talk the cell phone holster, one of the most embarrassing and tragic accessories invented. It’s this little clip men wear on their belt buckle to hold their cell phone. Now, I realize phones can be rather bulky these days, such as my beloved Treo 650, and keeping it in your trousers can screw up the lines of your pants, but ultimately when I see a guy wearing a belt clip holster for their cellphone I think to myself, “Wow, why doesn’t he throw on some chaps, don a cowboy hat and get himself a horse? Or better yet, join the Village People.� It’s the modern equivalent of the pocket protector. It’s embarrassing for everyone.

Now, one of the great advances in cell phone technology involves the use of Bluetooth. As many of you know, if you’ve got a Bluetooth enabled phone, that allows you to use wireless headsets, getting rid of the need for that awful headset cord that seems to get caught in everything (a friend once told me he got it caught in his zipper when he was using it in the bathroom. My response? “Dude, take the fucking headset out of your ear when you’re pissing.� Moron.). Wireless headsets are a wonderful thing – when they’re not abused.

The number of men I see who walk around with the headset in their ears constantly, even when they’re no longer on the phone, is alarming. I’ve seen men wearing them as they browse the aisles at the grocery store or in the mall or even while they’re on the dance floor at a noisy club! As they groove to some delicious sounds, there’s this retarded blue light emanating from their ear. What up with that, holmes? It don’t make you look cool – it make you look like a tool. Take the fucking thing out of your ear when you’re not using it – you’ll have a higher chance of getting laid and less of a chance of my beating you.

Now, all of this is compounded when the holster and the Bluetooth headset are used in tandem, creating the robot cowboy look. The other day I was in my local Ralph’s grocery store and sure enough I spotted my self a robot cowboy – some dude with the ear piece lit up like he’s got the world’s nastiest ear infection with his Blackberry sitting in a holster on his belt, all while he browses the many brands of ketchup. There he is, looking like Lobot from “Empire Strikes Back� and all I can think is, “I’d like to beat this guy hard, chop him up in to pieces and sell him in the frozen meat aisle with a kosher sticker attached.�

Possibly I need to work on anger management. But life would be less fun then. Say no to Lobot.