Naps Across America
Do you all remember that Hands Across America thing that happened back in 1986? It was some retarded thing where you paid like $10 bucks to hold the sweaty hand of a complete stranger, all in an effort to raise money for the homeless.
Well, on May 26th we come up on the 20th Anniversary of the event that gave a lot of people the flu. I propose instead of re-enacting the same dumb event on the anniversary, that we turn it up a notch. On May 26th, 2006, I prose Naps Across America.
See, with Naps Across America everyone would come to an assigned place in America with a pillow and a blanket. You put the pillow at the feet of the person in front of you and lay down and cover yourself up with a blankey, with the next person in line putting their pillow at your feet and so on and so on. The event would take place for one half hour and it would have to take place between 8:00 pm on the West Coast and 11:00 pm on the East Coast. It would have to be dark, because we actually expect people to nap for one half hour. The nap would stretch from Los Angleles, CA to New York City, NY. Imagine it. 5 Million people napping from coast to coast, at the exact same time. Then, at half past the hour, alarms will go off across the country to wake the assembled crowds. Church’s will ring their bells to get in on the fun. Nuclear alert sirens will sound across America, freaking the shit out of people not paying attention. And people will rise from their naps in the streets and parking lots and alley ways of America, rubbing the sleep from their eyes, slowly folding up their blankeys and walking off into the night with their blanket under one arm and their pillow under another.
Oh, this is a great idea.
In addition to those who’ll pay me $20 to be part of this event (we’ll give you a fancy pin showing you’re for real and shit), there will be a group of volunteers called The Enforcers who will walk up and down the line ensuring that there’s complete quiet so that people can sleep in peace. They will also be there to make sure no one tries any hanky panky. This is a clean event. No humping in public, people.
All the money raised will go to me. Sorry, I thought up the idea, I want the money. Besides, whenever someone raises money for charity it always ends up being spent on a new Lexus for the guy who runs the charity, so why not just buy me a new Lexus? I prefer the sporty Lexus. You know the one — the one that gets chicks.
So, who’s with me? I’ve got 27 days to organize this. I need some help.
