The Occasional Blog of Jonah Weiland

Do you all remember that Hands Across America thing that happened back in 1986? It was some retarded thing where you paid like $10 bucks to hold the sweaty hand of a complete stranger, all in an effort to raise money for the homeless.

Well, on May 26th we come up on the 20th Anniversary of the event that gave a lot of people the flu. I propose instead of re-enacting the same dumb event on the anniversary, that we turn it up a notch. On May 26th, 2006, I prose Naps Across America.

See, with Naps Across America everyone would come to an assigned place in America with a pillow and a blanket. You put the pillow at the feet of the person in front of you and lay down and cover yourself up with a blankey, with the next person in line putting their pillow at your feet and so on and so on. The event would take place for one half hour and it would have to take place between 8:00 pm on the West Coast and 11:00 pm on the East Coast. It would have to be dark, because we actually expect people to nap for one half hour. The nap would stretch from Los Angleles, CA to New York City, NY. Imagine it. 5 Million people napping from coast to coast, at the exact same time. Then, at half past the hour, alarms will go off across the country to wake the assembled crowds. Church’s will ring their bells to get in on the fun. Nuclear alert sirens will sound across America, freaking the shit out of people not paying attention. And people will rise from their naps in the streets and parking lots and alley ways of America, rubbing the sleep from their eyes, slowly folding up their blankeys and walking off into the night with their blanket under one arm and their pillow under another.

Oh, this is a great idea.

In addition to those who’ll pay me $20 to be part of this event (we’ll give you a fancy pin showing you’re for real and shit), there will be a group of volunteers called The Enforcers who will walk up and down the line ensuring that there’s complete quiet so that people can sleep in peace. They will also be there to make sure no one tries any hanky panky. This is a clean event. No humping in public, people.

All the money raised will go to me. Sorry, I thought up the idea, I want the money. Besides, whenever someone raises money for charity it always ends up being spent on a new Lexus for the guy who runs the charity, so why not just buy me a new Lexus? I prefer the sporty Lexus. You know the one — the one that gets chicks.

So, who’s with me? I’ve got 27 days to organize this. I need some help.

Thursday afternoon I got a call from a friend who still works for my old radio station KFI to tell me the news that Phil Hendrie is retiring from radio to pursue a full time acting career.

Having worked with Phil for almost three years on his radio show, I know what a grind the show can be and I don’t blame him for wanting to move on. During one of his visits to the show years ago, “Simpsons” creator Matt Groening remarked how hard it must have been for us to produce this three hour comedy show, five nights a week. He likened it to writing a three-hour sitcom every night, a total of 15 hours of comedy each and every week. And yeah, he was right, it was a grind. There were weeks where by Friday we felt invigorated by the work and hilarity we came up with, then by the end of the next week we might feel completely spent and miserable, thinking the previous weeks work was total crap and it was time to move on. It was never easy, but it was often times very rewarding. To this day, ideas still pop into my head. New troubles for R.C. Collins to get into. New ways to make Bud Dickman more annoying. Jeff Doubter – more stoned and rocking than ever. I just never fully shook that show from my soul, I guess.

Frankly, if ever there was a right time for Phil to make this move, it’s now. His radio show’s ratings have declined in recent years, while interest from the television world has blossomed. Plus, terrestrial radio is becoming something of a bastardized medium and will continue to be so as satellite radio gains a stronger foothold. And then there’s that grind. Phil’s not getting any younger, so it’s time to follow a path that’s less stressful on the mind and body. Wait, he’s going into TV, what’s he thinking?

Best of luck to Phil. There really wasn’t another show on the radio quite like Phil’s and I doubt there will be one like it again anytime soon. Hey, if TV doesn’t work out for him, he can always go back to burning bugs by the side of the freeway (if you don’t have one of his old “Best Of” CD’s, well, you’re just not going to get the reference).

I realize it’s a little too early to be crowing loudly, but it needs to be said. As a Clippers fan for 15 years now, I take a lot of pleasure in the fact that the Clippers are in the playoffs, their standing is higher than in-town rival the Lakers and the Clippers hold a 1-0 record in the first round versus the Lakers 0-1 record. Go Clippers!

Here’s a crazy thing to consider– should both the Clippers and the Lakers make it past the first round, the two teams would play each other in the second round for the chance to play in the Western Conference Finals.

The Clippers and the Lakers in the playoffs at the same time is rare enough. But the Clippers and Lakers playing against each other in the playoffs? If that happens, clearly the rapture is upon us. I’m stocking up on Tang because I know I’m not amongst the chosen.

Reminder to all of you from the SoCal area, specifically Los Angeles, the Spring Brewery Artwalk is this weekend. Details can be found on this Web site.

What is it? There’s an industrial section of downtown that surrounds and old Brewery (that’s no longer in use) that’s been converted into artist lofts. It’s a huge complex of wherehouses and buildings and every Spring and Fall the people who live their open up their homes to the public to show off their art.

I’ve gone three or four years now and usually enjoy it. The art ranges from a few really great artists to a lot of really, “Wow, that’s really not so much of the good” artists. For me, the most fascinating aspects of the Artwalk is how people use their spaces. These are large rooms, for the most part, and people do some very interesting things with them, sectioning them off in creative ways. Amongst all the living quarters is a nice bar and a really good used book store, which I’ve bought a number of hard to find books from. If you want a relaxing time out this weekend, I highly recommend going. It’s just east of downtown and maybe 10 minutes away from Little Tokyo and Olvera St., so some sushi or mexican food after is definitely a must.

I know a couple of people who read this here blog enjoyed the short-lived CBS television program “Love Monkey.” Here’s a reminder that a new episode of “Love Monkey” will air tonight on VH1. For the full LM schedule, click here.

I’ve got my TiVo set-up to record and I’m dumping the first three episodes onto DVD today. I don’t imagine there’s a very high likelihood that this show will ever be released on DVD.

I guess we have something of a “West Wing” theme going on here now. If you can call two posts a relatively short time apart a theme.

When Martin Sheen finishes up on “The West Wing,” he plans to go to school in Ireland and turned down Democratic Party requests to run for the Senate in Ohio.

“I’m just not qualified,” he reportedly said. “You’re mistaking celebrity for credibility.”

Wow, a celebrity who speaks his mind, yet knows when he should stop. That’s, well, rare.

I was at a club down in Manhattan Beach the other night. I’m not much into the South Bay section of Southern California. Every time I go down there I think to myself, “Man, these just aren’t my people.” My people seem to be generally located in the greater Los Angeles area. Hollywood. Studio City. Downtown. The immediate surrounding areas. You get the idea. So, there I was, enjoying myself with some friends when all of a sudden the DJ played Def Leppard’s “Pour Some Sugar On Me.”

Why, God, why does anyone enjoy that song? Women and men alike roared with orgasmic pleasure the moment that familiar drum riff played. Air guitars broke out. Air drums broke out (especially odd once you consider the band’s drummer has only one arm). People shouted out the lyrics as the song played. “Pour Some Sugar On Me” elicits that level of response? Are you kidding me? The song doesn’t just make my ears blled. No, in fact when forced to listen to the song the entirety of my ear canal came flying out of my ear, plus a small bit of brain matter.

Is this a South Bay phenomenon, or is this a reaction seen nation wide? If this is something seen all across the country, then truly the United States is in worse shape than I ever imagined. I’m calling for a moratorium on all playing of “Pour Some Sugar On Me.” And I’m not just talking about the original song by Def Leppard. No covers of the song should be allowed to play, nor should anyone be allowed to sing the song at karaoke bars. In fact, I’d like all copies of the Def Leppard album “Hysteria” to be pulled from the shelves and a nationwide recall to be instated. We must keep this evil from spreading further and infecting an entirely new generation of music fans. It must be stopped.