The Occasional Blog of Jonah Weiland

Tonight during Comedy Central’s “The Colbert Report,” Stephen Colbert referenced a Forbes.com article that lists the fifteen richest fictional characters. After the program was over, I made my way to the computer to discover that the article they reference is actually three years old. Way to stay current, Colbert.

But then I started thinking some analysis of this list was in order. So, without further ado, a look at the Forbes.com List of Richest Fictional Characters (in 2002).

1. Santa Claus

Well, duh.

2. Richie Rich

Once again, another duh.

Questions abound as to how this little bastard acquired such wealth. The family’s never disclosed exactly what their business comprises. Sure, it’s probably some multi-national conglomerate that holds in its portfolio both American Military Defense Contracts and a chain of Adult Bookstores featuring rubber items of enormous size, but why all the secrecy?

3. Oliver “Daddy” Warbucks

Estimated worth, $10 Billion. But is this adjusted for inflation? Good question. Glad I asked it.

Penchant for little girls is discouraging, though.

4. Scrooge McDuck

The first mistake on the Forbes.com list. They claim Scrooge to be worth $8.2 Billion. That’s ridiculous, it’s far higher. Closer to Richie Rich level wealth. Wait until Scrooge finishes counting his last money bin next week, then you’ll see I’m right.

And once again, questions abound as to exactly how Scrooge came to acquire so much cash. And even if you are that wealthy, should you really be allowed to walk around without any pants on?

5. Thurston Howell III

Worth $8 Billion. This guy’s old money. It’s also boring money. He shouldn’t even be on the list because he’s just boring. And old. And did I say he was old?

6. Willie Wonka

Note, it’s the old Willie Wonka, not the creepy, child molester looking one of this past summer.

7. Bruce Wayne

Estimated worth is $6.3 Billion. It would probably be twice that if Wayne wasn’t so busy throwing away money on whores to keep up his Playboy image.

8. Lex Luthor

I’ve been told he was really pissed to learn that Wayne had him beat by $1.6 Billion. Challenged him to a fist-fight and everything. My money’s on Wayne in 5 seconds.

9. J.R. Ewing

Worth $2.8 Billion. For an oil man who probably has ties to the Bush administration, he really should be worth a whole lot more. Must be a dumb ass. Oh good, somebody shot him.

10. Auric Goldfinger

Who?

11. C. Montgomery Burns

Probably the most accurate of all these listings, coming in at a net worth of $1 Billion. Burns is a small time nuclear man who chooses to provide nuclear power to the ‘burbs and small communities versus the big cities. Trust us, though, were he powering the major metropolis’s (or should that be metropolii?) like New York City, Los Angeles, Gotham and the rest, this mother fucker would be giving that little bastard Richie Rich a run for his money.

Shit, bad pun. Moving on.

12. Charles Foster Kane

Forbes.com has his net worth at around $1 Billion, but this newspaper man took a huge hit when the Internet became an information dominated medium. His company’s slow move to digital media saw readership decline across the board. What a dumb ass.

13. Cruella De Vil

The only woman on this list. This old girl really could stand to spend some time in the sun. That skin complexion is appalling.

14. Gordon Gekko

Great dresser. Major cocksucker.

15. Jay Gatsby

With a net worth of only $600 Million, this guy really doesn’t deserve to be on this list. There are plenty of other fictional characters out there worth far more than this jagoff. Tony Stark anyone?

There you have it. The Forbes.com list of the 15 richest fictional characters in the world. Another fine work productivity killer.