JonahWeiland.com

Back when I was in High School I actually looked forward to the return to school following spring break. Sure, I lamented the fact that my carefree days of summer were soon over, but the return to school always meant fresh new stories from Mr. Huntington. It was on my return to school for my senior year that Mr. H told us kids about one of his brushes with celebrity coupled with the capture of the “big fish.”

During the summer Mr. Huntington would routinely visit La Paz, Mexico for some deep-sea fishing with his wife and a friend or two. Sport fishing was something of a passion for Mr. Huntington. Considering how much he loved seafood, it fit. He’d come back from his trips with chests full of marlin, yellowtail, tuna and many other species.

Well, that summer of 1988 Mr. Huntington went down this time with his wife and his friend James. Mr. H chartered a boat for him and James to go out for the day while his wife laid on the beach, soaking up the Mayan sun. Now, Mr. H and James had all their own rigging, so all they needed was a big enough boat to handle the fishing. They found their boat and their captain and made way for the open sea and all the fish it had to offer.

Except there was one small problem – the boat stalled half way out. They hadn’t made it out far enough to the good fishing spots, but far enough away to ruin the entire day. It would take a while for the Mexican coast guard to come out and tow them back to land and once that was done, their chances for fishing that day before sundown were completely blown. Mr. H and his buddy were sorely disappointed.

Then, as if sent from God himself, they spotted another large boat making way for the open sea. Mr. H, standing on the bow of “The Shitty McShit Shit Steamer” as he called it, flagged down the approaching vessel, which pulled alongside the McShit. The two crews traded barbs and Mr. H explained how they were stranded there and all he wanted to do was get himself some fish that day. Well, the new ship, named “The Goddess Herself,” was making way for a great fishing location and invited Mr. H and his friend to join them. Mr. H was never one to miss an opportunity and gladly accepted the invitation.

The crew of the Goddess was very welcoming of their new guests, offering them plenty to drink and some great snacks and what not. Mr. H said there was the ships crew, which numbered two men, then about three different women who were all “one with the much pretty and booty,” two very bulked up men and two random dudes named Mikey and Ralphy who also had some rather expensive video equipment. It soon dawned on Mr. H that not only was he on a fishing yacht of some sort, but also on the set of an adult video film shoot. Mikey and Ralphy, the much Italian brothers, explained to Mr. H what was going to happen, how they’d be filming the group sex porn video at the bow or front of the ship, while Mr. H was more than welcome to fish off the stern or back of it. “I can say I’ve fished to the sounds of music, but never to the sounds of fucking,” said Mr. H. And of course, as you well know by now, Mr. H is always up for an adventure.

The Goddess dropped anchor about seven miles from shore and Mr. H and James got to setting up their rigging as the film crew and actors readied themselves for their shoot. Mr. H and James laughed about their odd set of circumstances, with a bunch of dumb ass white folk shooting some video at the front of the ship while the real action, the good fishing action, was back there with those two guys. They threw back beers and talked about the good times they had.

About an hour in, they started to hear rumblings from the front of the boat. Mostly a grunt or two to start with, nothing too crazy. They heard a little conversation, but the boat was big enough that it was hard to make out. Mr. H and James would steal a look once in a while, mostly ending up catching a shot of some guys ass, then it would disappear, then reappear in view, then disappear again. You get the idea.

Then, the timing got really odd. Just as the sounds of cottaging got louder and louder from the bow, the fish started to bite in the stern. Suddenly Mr. H’s main line grew taught, he jumped out of his chair and he and James began reeling in the big fish. At the same time, Mr. H heard the screaming sex, “Yes! Oh yeah, you do me so good! Come on baby, I want that big fish of yours!” As Mr. H wrestled with the big fish he found the sex talk to be very confusing and shouted out in response, “You like that, big fish? Huh? Do you? Well, you’re slippery ass is mine, baby! I’m gonna reel your sorry ass in!”

The dialogue from the bow continued. “Oh baby, that’s right, fuck me with that life preserver on! That’s so sexy! I’m gonna fuck you over overboard!”

Mr. H responded, “That’s right, keep fighting big fish! That’s how I like it! You’re lil’ fish ass is mine, motherfucker!”

As the ladies up front were being railed by the bulky guys, Mr. H and James began reeling in their catch. Suddenly, with unbelievable timing, as Mr. H caught the biggest red snapper he’s ever seen, some bulky dude caught an entirely different type of some snapper from the bow.

“Oh yeah, fish! Oh yeah! What up, gills? I’m gonna hammer your scaley fish ass,” shouted Mr. H as he and James brought the catch on board and put it out of its misery. The shoot was done, and so were Mr. H and James.

Everybody cleaned up and they returned to the shore. Once there, Mr. H invited everyone back to their bungalow where they prepared the fish and everyone feasted on the catch. They all exchanged addresses and phone numbers and had an excellent time. Ralphy told Mr. H he’d send him a copy of the video when they were done, with Mrs. H’s permission naturally.

About a month later the video arrived and Mr. and Mrs. H decided to watch it together. They watched the video, surprised to find that as your watching the pretty people humping like mad dogs you could clearly make out the sounds of Mr. H screaming in the background at his catch. In fact, there were moments when you could see their fishing pole randomly pop in and out of the frame. With odd timing, “You’re lil’ fish ass is mine, motherfucker,” could clearly be heard as the money shot began. There was a note inside the DVD from Mikey and Ralphy who said this could possibly be one of their best shoots ever and was already a top seller because of the crazy man in the stern of the ship screaming out the bizarre obscenities.

The video, “Big Fish At Sea, Volume 1,” was a huge seller and began a very popular series of videos that continue to this day. And every time they go out to shoot, someone is fishing off the back of the boat. Mr. H even gets an occasional residual check, because Mikey and Ralphy are the nice kind of porno directors.

Great story. Total bullshit, but someone really should try this idea out. Fishing + Porn = Much Profits.