JonahWeiland.com

Well, by now what you know about my former gym teacher Mr. Huntingon is that he’s a funny man, loves teenagers (not in that Michael Jackson way), is big (”Big as a mountain”), fast (”Quick as lightning”), smart and just an all around good guy. Back in high school he was easily the most popular teacher. In addition to teaching our various phys-ed classes and coaching the basketball team, he was also a very able-bodied history teacher, specializing in early American history (he got his minor in History from UCLA). But the story I’m about to tell you illustrates what a truly great man Mr. Huntington was and his true sense of honor.

One day he was out and about in Downtown LA. He liked going downtown to the garment district to shop for clothes. So, he’s shopping and walking and walking and shopping when suddenly he witnesses a crime – some older woman, say in her 70s, had just had her purse snatched by a young latin kid. She began screaming, “OH NO! My purse! That boy stole my purse!” Mr. Huntington couldn’t believe his eyes. It happened in broad daylight and everyone stood around doing absolutely dick while this woman screamed her heart out. He told me he thought to himself, “You know, if that was my Mama what just got jacked, I’d want someone to smack that little shit’s ass!”

So he did. He dropped his bags over by the old woman and took off against the little burgling bastard. Remember, Mr. Huntingon was a very big man and surprisingly fast for his size. The latin kid was a good 40 or 50 feet in front of him, a spry little fellow himself, but that really didn’t matter. See, Mr. H had speed akin to that of the God Mercury. His long legs moved so fast, appearing as though he wasn’t even touching the ground. It was like something out of an old cartoon and you could just hear “wind up” noises as he increased his speed.

Mr. Huntingon called out, “You best know I’m coming to get you! I’m gonna get that purse and show you a thing or two about respectin’ your elders you piss-bastard! I’m gonna get get ya, motherfucker!”

The latin kid pushed himself to run faster, but to no avail. Mr. Huntington was closing slowly. “Ohhh, you ain’t gonna get away. I’m quick as lightning motherfuckerrrrr! I’m an unstoppable locomotive bearing down on your ass! You best get prepared because here comes the H-Train!”

Yes, Mr. Huntington did really talk like that in times like this.

The distance was closing between the quick-footed Mr. H and the purse stealing scum. They weaved their way through crowded sidewalks. People got out of Mr. H’s way instantly so as to avoid serious bodily injury. No one wants 6′ 4″ of 300 pounds bearing down on you at close to 15 miles an hour.

“Little motherfuckeeee, in five seconds you is gonna be cooked medium rare style and I’m gonna eat up your meat!”

They duo got closer and closer, but suddenly, as they approached an intersection, a car came up along side of Mr. H, then turned right in front of the latin kid who jumped in to an open window, loosing the purse in the interim. The car sped off with the latin kid’s legs hanging out the window. He got away, but without his prize.

Mr. Huntington stopped, bent over to pick up the purse, and walked back to the old lady. He returned the purse to the woman, she handed him his bags, said thank you and tried to give him a reward. He refused, saying “It’s what I do, little mama,” but agreed to have an iced tea with her at the diner around the corner. He figured, she’d been through enough that day and could certainly use a friendly ear.

See, this is why Mr. Huntington is so great. He may be vulgar at times, he might be a bit weird, but he’s the biggest hearted man I’ve ever met and that, ladies and gentlemen, is a rare occurrence.

Great story. Only partly true as it’s based on something that happened to my Bro-In-Law years ago, but still a great story.