Don’t Fuck With Mr. Huntington
Back in High School I had a gym teacher named Mr. Huntington. Mr. Huntington was a rather large and imposing fellow. He was a 6′2″ or so African American, maybe 290 or 300 pounds. He clearly played football in his younger years, even tried to turn pro unsuccesfully. He was funny, intelligent, a fantastic athlete and just incredibly big. He used to say, “I’m big as a mountain, quick as lightning.” It was true, too. The man was so fast, although he tired quickly. He used to screw around and call “TIME OUT” a lot when we’d play basketball during practice. Great guy.
Tonight I was reminded of a story he told way back when. We arrived at the gym one day and Mr. Huntington told us about how he’d been mugged the previous night. He went to the Lakers game the night before. This was back when they used to play in Inglewood at the Forum. A real pit of a neighborhood. He forgot his wallet and didn’t have any money to pay for parking, so he ended up parking in one of the near by neighborhoods and hoofed it to the Forum. After the game he returned to his car and as he walked on to the block he was parked on, a guy seemingly jumped out of the shaodws with a ski mask on and a bat in his right hand and said, “Give me your wallet, asshole.”
Mr. Huntington said he was in a bit of shock. So he just stood there.
The masked man repeated his request, “Give me your wallet, asshole!” Emphasis on asshole because it’s really important to insult your victim while you rob them.
Mr. Huntington said after the second time he fell out of shock and knew precisely what was happening. He was hyper sensitive to everything at that moment and was ready.
So the attacker got pissed. “Oh, the silent type, huh? Well, you won’t be silent after this!” At which point the attacker lifted the baseball bat over his head with both hands and brought it down on Mr. Huntington.
But suddenly, the very still and calm Mr. Huntington raised his two arms to the sky and caught that beating in mid-air. That’s right, with both hands he caught the bat on the down swing and just held it there. The attacker was freaked and tried to wrestle away the bat from Mr. Huntington, but Mr.Huntington, he held that bat still and with that deep voice uttered the most fucking amazing thing I’ve ever heard.
“I’m a big motherfucker.” He said motherfucker as if it were one word. He said, “I’m a big motherfucker. I’ll kill ya. (pause) I’ll kill ya deaaaaaaaad.”
That’s all he said. And the attacker, well he fucking jammed like he was in an M.C. Hammer video, running the hell away from Mr. Huntington.
