30 Minutes Or Less My Ass
The other day I ordered delivery from The Hut. For those of you in the audience not street, like me, that’s Pizza Hut Delivery. You know, they of the ultra-greasy pizza. I’m not quite sure why I ordered it, considering I don’t much like their pizza anymore, but I did.
So, delivery guy shows up with my pizzas. I open the door, there he is. He says it’s some ungodly amount that made me wish I had just gone and picked up some fast food instead. I hand him the ungodly amount, he hands me my change, I throw a handful of bills his way for a tip, and he looks up at me and has a deluxe sized smile on his face. “Thank you,” he says as he smiles.
The first thought that went through my heads wash, “Ahhhh Jesus Christ, he’s going to kill me. Not again.” But when he didn’t kill me my second thought was, “Ahhhh Jesus Christ, he’s picking up on me. Not again.” I shrugged it off, threw my pizza’s on the floor in front of the television like a good bachelor does and sat down for a late evening meal.
It was at that point that I noticed tacked on to the outside of the top box a letter from The Hut explaining a new corporate policy or credo of what have you. Essentially, they say that if you order pick up you’ll be greeted with a smile. If you order delivery, you’ll be left with a smile. It’s all part of their trying to offer better customer service or some such shit-cookie.
Look, I don’t want or need your fucking delivery guys grinning madly at me like they want to rape my turtle. I’d prefer if they never spoke, instead just using signs and clicking noises to tell me how much I owe them. In fact, as a result of the “smile event,” I’m seriously considering installing a pizza box sized slot in my door so that I don’t even have to interact with pizza delivery individual. I don’t want your fucking smiles. I don’t want your fucking grins. I don’t want fake happiness from a guy who’s most likely depressed and on the verge of suicide by repeatedly stabbing ones-self with a number 2 pencil. Come on, he’s a pizza guy, he’s got one of the top five shit jobs in the world, he’s not happy.
You know, the local Thai food delivery guys never smile at me. In fact, they sort of scowl. I like them. I wonder if they still deliver this late?
