JonahWeiland.com

Suck Bucket - Because we all hate those puffy trash bags. Watch the video. SO bizarre.

As you all know, I’m a Clippers season ticket holder. I’m currently in my third straight year. We have seats in the upper level, first row. Not great seats, but when you’re paying $22 a seat for 45 games, spending much more just ain’t worth it to me right now. Well, at each game the Clippers do a little thing for two lucky people in the upper bowl. They move two people from up top, to a third row seat down below. It’s a promotion they do with Corona beer. They select two people, make them wear a pretty horrible Hawaiian shirt, bring four Clippers Spirit and put us all up on the big jumbo-tron thing to announce who the winners are. About two or three weeks ago the winners were Mike and myself. Today I received a picture of the announcement and have included it below. Clicky the pic to enlarge.

The Clippers Spirit all the way on the right is my most favorite! She’s heavenly.

After making that previous entry I looked to Google to discover the true location of Cockland. Well, according to their results I’m #1 on the list. I am the location of Cockland!

So help me God, I never intended this to be. I’d like to thank the Academy, the members of the entertainment press, that guy over there, under the overhang, holding the sign that says “Liberate Cockland” and a large dog I once saw on the street.

One of the items that we provide our hosting customers at Boiling Point (my Web hosting company) are daily updated Web site statistics. It provides traffic information, gives the client an idea where people are coming from and what search terms are used. What’s interesting are some of the search words used to find this Web site. The Top 10 search words are listed below:

1. hollocaust - There are a number of pictures in my gallery from my visit in September, 2000 to the Holocaust Museum in Washington D.C.
2. the horror of blimps - A reference to this entry.
3. best quote ever - NO idea
4. dumb mother fucker - Countless examples. I like to cuss.
5. cockland - Reference to the title in this entry.
6. bil cosby - They’re finding this entry.
7. chicks with guitars - Not quite sure.
8. nice suits - This is due to the title of this entry.
9. strong bad - Any of a number of references I’ve made to HomeStarRunner.com.
10. hollocaust pictures - See #1.

Some bizarre search terms are getting people to this Web site. Those of you searching for cockland, please move on. Of course, now that I’ve included the word cockland in this entry I’ll be inundated by questionable users looking for cockland.

Cockland. Cockland. Cockland.

“Sex. It’s just like cuddling, only damper.”
– Jeff on the BBC series, “Coupling.”

Tonight, this day, this week, this month … hell, this fucking year, I am the man!

Monday March 24th, 2003 the Los Angeles Clippers took on Yao Ming and the Houston Rockets. But the game and the subsequent loss are not what I am here to talk about. A mere two hours before the game Crozier called to say Jackie at the station was able to hook him up with two seats to Chalk Talk. What’s Chalk Talk, you ask? I’m glad you did. Sit down and shut up while I tell you a story of triumph and greatness. Oh yeah, and it involves me.

Chalk Talk is a thing the Clippers do where invited fans can enjoy a dinner and booze on the team in a room which I guess is right next to the away team locker room because I heard a number of players yelling through the wall when I went to the bathroom, but that’s not really the point. So, while we enjoyed some lovely food and the previously mentioned booze Clippers assistant coach Mo McHone came in and talked with all of us in attendance (about 20 - 25 invited guests) about what it’s like to coach in the NBA. Really fascinating stuff. Mo told us that for him this was the most disappointing season he’s ever been a part of. Lots was expected of this team before the season began and the team didn’t come through. Considering this disappointing season they’ve gone through I asked Mo what a coach can do to help focus his team, get them back into the game and bounce back when you’ve had so many injuiries and near misses. He admitted that the coaching staff tried a number of things over the season to try to motivate the guys, but ultimately when you’ve got a large number of your players in a restricted or unrestricted free-agent situation and they’re playing for their own numbers, well, there’s not much you can do, and ultimately it’s why Coach Alvin Gentry was fired because they couldn’t figure it out. His honesty was very refreshing.

Once he was done two of the Clippers Spirit (Traci and Carisse) came in to stand and take pictures with us. Mike and I had a picture taken which you can see to the right. Click on it for an enlargement. Could I be standing any further away from the pretty lady? Mike said that Traci was warm to the touch. I believe him.

Then all of us were taken out to shoot a free throw on the Clippers floor. That was pretty damn cool, just being able to walk out on the same floor that some of the greatest NBA players have played on. Everyone there was given a chance to make a single free throw. The person who made it would join in a shoot out with whoever else made it for a chance to win an autographed ball signed by the entire Clippers staff and players. I was the second to last to shoot and every person that went before me missed. Badly. So badly the fans had started booing. Then, it was my turn.

I approached the foul line like a seasoned veteran. There was no nervousness. There was no time to think. I was like Ice. In fact, that’s what they call me, the Ice Man. The game was on the line. If I were to miss this one shot the championship would be lost. It was all on me.

I approached the line, the guy gave me the ball and I threw the fucker up. At that very moment the whole arena went silent. A calm came over the place. Life moved in slow motion as I watched the ball release from my hand, gaining air as it approached the rim. Everyone around looked in awe. I saw a guy take a bite of his sandwich. Would it go in the hole? Or, would it rim out, bouncing helplessly to the ground below? After what seemed like 38 minutes, the ball finally hit the glass. Right in the middle of the square. It bounced off it and down, right into the hole. The ball filled the hoop, expanding the net, falling safely to the floor. The place went mad (actually, there were a few cheers) and I raised my arms in triumph, certainly looking like a complete and utter moron in my “Deny Everything” T-Shirt.

While I was victorious in my free-throw shooting (I now have a 1.000 record for free-throw shooting on an NBA floor), there was still one more to go. Some guy (I couldn’t even begin to describe what he looked like as I was still basking in the glory of my completed task) approached the line and made his attempt. Tank city. There was no one else. I was the winner. The sound of Queen’s “We Are The Champions” blared out of the Staples Center PA System. I was, for a very quick moment, the MAN!

Clearly I’m over dramatizing everything above for effect, I did pull right up to the line and drained the free-throw, which awarded me with a signed Clippers basketball. Not bad for a choad from North Hollywood.

Really gotta give the props to Jackie and to the Clippers. So what if the Clippers lost and Yao Ming played maybe 10 minutes all game. Tonight I was the greatest free throw shooter that ever lived.

There have been some very serious and disturbing news coming out of the war this weekend, but the following story is easily one of the most bizarre I’ve read so far. KROQ, a Los Angeles alt. rock station and influential world wide, attempted a prank last Wednesday that went straight! The Kevin and Bean Morning Show’s Ralph Garman called the President of France, Jacques Chirac, Wednesday morning posing as entertainer Jerry Lewis. According to this article in the Orange County Register (scroll half way down), Ralph actually got through and talked with Chirac about US/French relations! Ralph was so shocked he actually got through that he played the call straight instead of as a joke.